


The Mustard Matter

by Diddle_Riddle



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Green Lantern (Comics)
Genre: And it's others who make fun of you, Being a Green Lantern is fun, Crack, Edward Nygma is a drama queen, Flirting, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Fun, Hal Jordan Being Hal Jordan, Laughter, M/M, Problems about being a Green Lantern, Snark, Teasing, Until it isn't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:35:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28387884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diddle_Riddle/pseuds/Diddle_Riddle
Summary: That one time Hal Jordan went to Gotham... and found himself in a very tricky situation.
Relationships: Hal Jordan/Edward Nygma
Comments: 4
Kudos: 4





	The Mustard Matter

**Author's Note:**

> *wink* ;)  
> 

Edward tried his best not to burst out laughing.

"Don't mock me.", his friend / partner / part-time lover whined feebly, lying pitifully on the couch of his hideout. "This is _serious,_ I feel _deceased._ I am dying and you are making fun of me."

"... Care to remind _who_ put you in this sorry state, and, more relevant, with _what weapon?"_

Hal Jordan let out a deep sigh. He didn't defend himself though, he must be aware this is a lost battle. Ed found blackmail material for _years_ thanks to the Lantern's adventure of the day.

"Lemon in your tea?", Riddler teased some more.

Hal cast him a merciless batglare.

"I am _not_ that vulnerable, usually.", he grumbled. "I can eat and hold yellow stuff without being weakened. It's just that... my buddy-enemy-whom-I-love-and-hate Sinestro messed up with some weird ancient alien custom, that fully re-activated an old Green Lantern Corps weakness. Until we come back to the source of the problem, we're stuck like our predecessors: affected by _any_ manifestation of the yellow color."

"You blame Sinestro for _everything_ that happens to you. If you want an advise: you guys _need_ a couple therapy, the sooner the better. Anyway; so that's why Condiment King knocked you out and almost killed you. He was the most surprised about this by the way, he couldn't believe his attack worked."

Hal whimpered again. No doubt, this anecdote will become one of the iconic stories of the Underworld: a Green Lantern in visit at Gotham, who spotted one of the dumbest rogues in a small quarter. He assumed he'd deal with the issue easily enough since no vigilante was around (the Dynamic Duo handled a scheme made by Poison Ivy). Once he'll succeed, he will brag next time he'll see Bruce about how the Bat doesn't tame alone his own villains.

Except that... things didn't go as planned.

Like, at all.

A luck for him Riddler has been alerted of the scene by one of his cameras watching over town. Condiment King, who, until then never managed anything else than making delicious hot dogs during meetings at the Iceberg Lounge, found himself... having the upper hand.

The reason? Mitchell Mayo shot multiple times from his mustard-loaded gun, what left yellow stains on Hal's green and white spandex. Instantly, the Lantern got that something is wrong; he recalled John Stewart warning him about a worrisome problem... Jordan didn't pay much attention at the moment, he nodded to the warning of being careful, for their sensibility to the yellow color significantly increased.

Therefore, next events were about the last thing he needed: he fell in an oversized pot of mustard Mayo would have discharged in this street to drown a café in which apparently a bartender 'disrespected him' when bringing the wrong command.

Hal would have used his ring, or simply _moved_ in the sticky bright yellow substance, more liquid than a proper mustard, if he didn't... _panick_ inside the tube, the poisonous yellow around him numbed his members, slowed down his gestures, sucked the breath out of his lungs, kept him from thinking straight or reacting normally...

"Nice prize you've got there.", Hal grasped Riddler laughing above him as if he was under water, his head felt impossibly heavy and his vision blurred. "I might change my mind about you.", the rogue spoke to Condiment King. "Looks like you are _not too much_ of an idiot in the end."

Mitchell Mayo couldn't believe what was happening: he had no idea _how_ he managed to fight a Green Lantern, or _why_ Riddler barged in all of a sudden and exploded his cask by shooting from his question mark-shaped cane. A river of mustard flowed on the dirty pavement. Nygma made a face, commented this is 'disgusting' as he put his heeled boots in the mixture to reach out to the silhouette. Mitchell watched incredulously as Riddler flipped the Lantern with the tip of his shoe, like one would do with a jellyfish on the beach to check whether the thing is alive or not.

"Great, he's breathing!", Edward attested in a sing-sang voice. "A good point for you, Mayo. If you killed my Lantern doll, I would have made your life a living Hell before ending it."

Hal blinked, not registering how Edward went from threats to acknowledgments of the mustard and ketchup-friendly villain's unexpected victory.

He focused on not blacking out when his partner helped him standing... Failure: he fainted and splashed back, face first, onto the yellow puddle. He heard Riddler laugh, then everything went dark.

Hal woke up in one of Edward's hideouts, thankfully not in contact with mustard anymore, just overly exhausted.

"I had two goons grabbing you and moving you to this building. I took it up from there to the apartment. Worry not, nobody but me gets to see you without the ring on."

Hal hadn't remarked, he trusted Ed. So now there he was, clean and as weak as if he crossed the desert running, not drinking a drop of water for days.

"Make me a bit of room."

Edward put a tray of victuals on the low table then sat on the couch, large enough to keep the adult lying down and someone sitting at the level of his waist on the edge of the white leather of the seat.

"I have something important to ask you.", Edward booped his nose. "Tell me: how do you feel about egg yolks? Bananas? Butter? Apple cider?"

"Eddie..."

Riddler chuckled, looking down to him with fondness.

"You realize I will _never_ shut up about this, right?"

"Unfortunately..."

Ed brushed a strand of brown hair out of Hal's forehead, he stroked the side of his face, his finger descended alongside the temple, the jawline...

"Don't turn me on, I am not in the mood...", Hal wailed as the digit became more caressing.

Eddie arched an eyebrow.

"... Not in the mood? _You?"_

"I may be a slut and proud to be, sometimes even I don't want sex. Get over it."

"Didn't believe I'd hear you say that one day.", he scoffed. "You go down in my esteem."

Ed leaned toward him regardless; Hal... responded to the kiss, his hand moved to the ginger's neck, he lazily entangled his fingers in the mid-long orange hair.

"How about I do the job?", Riddler purred in his ear, his hands travelling down the other's body.

"In fact, tired or not, maybe I'd..."

Hal didn't pursue: Edward was giggling hysterically, putting his head flat on his chest, unable to control himself.

"Condiment King beat you with a barrel of mustard.", he repeated. "I'm sorry, but that's just too much."

Despite Hal's outcry, Edward spent most of the time laughing, and over the days he stayed at his flat afterwards, Ed couldn't help show off any yellow product in a parodied menacing manner.

Nope, no way anyone would let Hal Jordan forget about this episode.


End file.
